Fickle Feelings


“Do we need to stabilize our feelings so that we can do what we should, at a required point of time frame?”

In the second week of January, it is late afternoon. Sun is staring at me, through the frame of a giant transmission tower. My soul is whining as the intense gaze of Sun has weakened because of the Earth’s rotation. I long to establish a dialogue with our Sun but time is passing so quickly. From the nearby woods, its like as if some misty broom sweeping the ardent effect of Sun’s aura.

My cell-phone is enjoying a nap in my lap. My Parker vector is being rolled within my fingers. A tomcat just passed by very calmly. I shooed him, little effect on its suave movement. Chirping of birds returning to nests faded away in a distant high frequency siren. Solitude prevailing and getting into the shell of introspection. Perfect stage set for composing something.

In the meantime, while I penned down all and sundries, Sun has gone orange from yellow. Could anybody stop our earth from rotating? Nay, How selfish I could be. Its better to rise up in the sky rather than disturbing the natural clock of our Earth. The transmission tower passed by Sun. Can hear that tomcat, making a sound of an elongated mellowed melody. Ah, an ant has bitten my left toe. Aw, Sun has gone red and larger at the horizon. Chills are now back in the January twilight.

The sweet music of silence, the deep humming sound is swept over by a distant euphony of drums, shehnais and some indigenous instruments. Somebody is going to marry someone, somewhere in the city. Rosy feeling.

Its not the dead of the winters, but we still miss the Sun after day time. Winters are neither pink nor purple at this juncture, it will become weary soon. My feelings are feeling something volatile. A needy person just rung the bell and asked for some food. Mother responded and handed over some bread and curry. Oh yes, now I remember what I felt a fortnight ago.

Felt burnt out as I was on my way from office to home. Earphones plugged into my ears, accentuating the vibes of sweet pain of my lost love. I was feeling tired and droopy as it was a hectic day in office. Heater of the cab was turned on, felt a welcome sagging in my cosy corner by the car door.

Felt chills as soon as I stepped out of the cab and stretched a little. Immediately I got squeezed into my shell when the fog and shards of wind pierced through my woollen armour. Inched towards the tea stall to have a tea. There I saw a man, aged somewhere around mid 30’s, absorbing heat from the dying cinders. He was all in minimal ragged cloths.

Felt pity and a surge, all of a sudden, to help him as I could do that. Approached him and offered tea and cookies which he accepted with hesitant blank mind.

Felt good as my conscience also relished what I did on my behalf. Time to get back go home and carry on with my tasks and then slip into my cosy bed. Patted myself as I was a good Samaritan in my own eyes.

Felt pangs before leaving as I offered him a meagre sum. He was so indifferent for money and kept looking into the Zero. I bent and forcefully put the currency note in his palm and made him clutch the note. Now the shards of wind were piercing my soul through my armour and body.

Felt shattered while walking towards home. My favourite song was still buzzing into my ears whose meaning was lost somewhere. Who was I to help him, What can that paltry sum of money do good to him, How can I feel that my responsibility is over, Who am I to shatter the self esteem of a person, forcefully handing over some money showing that its me who was helping him. What a rubbish! I was just a medium to help him as its all the divine inspiration from the Almighty.

Felt numb when I was standing before the apartment and knocked the gate. I forgot all feelings and mind was just like a blank paper as mother opened the gate.

Felt bad when I realized that all feelings got dissipated one after the other and I could not take any decision at the moment for the larger good of that person. Then I felt my own pangs and struggles so small before that man’s plight and pains, numb pains and numb mind. If I wished, I could be a medium for a larger good for a larger group.

Felt hungry after sniffing the delectable aroma of curry being prepared by mother. Relished the dinner and shared some tit bits with family. Soon I felt sleepy and slipped into my bed and in dream world in turn.

So, these were some fickle feelings creating whirlpool in my mind which churned my soul within a matter of just an hour, that day. Is it posing some questions my way or your way as well? May be, may be not. Its all about our priorities or fickle feelings.

Let the night come to my way. My study lamp is a good friend. I’ll talk with the Sun tomorrow as its weekend, tonight my friend will be with me.



Abhay Sisodia

Contributor and Editor at Vibrant Echoes