The Indian Film industry is experiencing a watershed moment in its history. It has been saved by a god-fearing, culture saving ‘action hero’ our very own – Prime Minister. In a relief to Libertarians and ‘Sickulars’ across India, Leela Samson, the now former chief of the Censor Board of India, resigned citing the most pitiable excuse ever of corruption and political meddling in the Censor board.
This event, caused by the god-man Ram Raheem Ji Insan, has led to the appointment of a soft-hearted social worker and emancipator of the poor, Mr. Pahlaj Nihalani. The man is a former producer of hits like “Ilzaam”, “Shola Aur Shabnam” and “Aankhen”, more importantly he is a devout follower of our ‘action hero’, Narendra Modi. The controversy (sighs) was that a political party (BJP, hush!) meddled in the Censor boards working to provide MSG, a movie on the sanctimonious leader of Dera Sacha Sauda sect Baba Ram Raheem Ji Insan, certification for release leading to mass resignations from the board.
The resignation of Leela Samson led to the resignation of nine members from the board which has allowed our people saving Central Government to appoint many BJP and RSS affiliates thereby causing a watershed in the industry. The Censor Board is now, finally, an RSS body.
No more shall we be subjected to the inhuman right to freedom of expression, no more Sunny Leone making men sweat in the theatres and no more PK bemoaning about “wrong numbers”. No more shall we debate about Deepika Padukone’s cleavage as there won’t be any to see, no more shall we have serial kissers (sorry Emran Hashmi and Alia Bhatt but your time is up) and no more shall we be subjected to the glorification of foreign countries.
Now is the time for return of the great epics such as Ramayana and Mahabharata so that we can win back our culture. Lord Ram shall lead the way while Lord Krishna shall show us the real meaning of life and human bonds. Honey bees and sunflowers will come back to business with kissing scenes been cut out. Movies will now begin in theatres with a chanting of Gayatri Mantra after the recital of the national anthem.
The days of alternate cinema will become extinct as Anurag Kashyap and Dibakar Banerjee will be censored out of the industry. The Khan war will now enter its new phase where each of the three main Khans will fight to play the role of Ram and Krishna. Subramaniam Swamy will now be seen only in theatres while the Indian youth will be corrupted with too much Indian culture. Goodbye, item numbers you have helped many of us during our teens.
Oh! Indian movies are in for some very good days. Filmmakers won’t have to waste money on ‘smoking and drinking is injurious to health’ to the much annoyance of the viewer as actors may now be seen drinking gow mutra. Indian cinemas salvation time has come, behold the culture chauvinists who shall provide us ever more gyaan on Vedic history and Hindu culture. Our Brothers from South shall now feel ever more jealous, worry not brothers they are coming for you too.